Adam Lane Smith is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in avoidant attachment. He appeared as guest on Being Her episode 101, hosted by Margarita Nazarenko, to discuss whether avoidant men can be loved securely, the biochemical roots of avoidance, and practical coaching techniques for partners of avoidant men.
Smith describes his own attachment history as anxious with "a small amount of avoidant mixed in... Disorganized" (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 05:17). He traces his professional path to fixing his own attachment issues in his early twenties, then pursuing a master's degree in psychology and licensure as a marriage and family therapist:
"I grew up with attachment issues myself, and I was miserable up until I was about 21, 22... So I just white-knuckled it and made myself have all of the conversations I was avoiding... And what I found was that as I fixed those pieces, my life got so massively better." (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 02:57)
He reports that his clinical training minimized attachment theory for adults ("This is just for babies... attachment doesn't work for adults") and that he rediscovered the framework through Dr. Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, describing Glover as "a very dear mentor" (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 02:57).
Smith frames avoidant attachment as a biochemical survival state rather than a fixed personality trait, centered on childhood oxytocin deprivation:
"[I]f you felt that love was given to you and then ripped away, and given and ripped away... it creates a withdrawal effect and then a fear effect and a trauma effect—you actually have trauma from this as an infant." (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 05:27)
He divides avoidant attachment into two subtypes: manipulative avoidant ("they believe other people are evil and malicious so they can justify manipulating them") and ethical avoidant ("they don't want to hurt anyone... but they're very mechanical thinking, they have no oxytocin... purely dopamine-driven in relationships") (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 05:27).
His stated position is that avoidant men are reachable, not disposable:
"Avoidant men can be some of the most devoted, loving, connected partners you could possibly imagine, but only if you understand what he needs from you." (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 02:03)
Smith teaches partners of avoidant men to become calm, self-regulated, and explicitly transactional about needs rather than expecting spontaneous displays of affection:
"[Y]ou make it clear and transactional and measurable, and now he understands the investment required..." (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 30:36)
He uses a diagnostic exercise ("good partner / bad partner") to demonstrate that withholding needs and feedback — not just overt cruelty — erodes trust, self-esteem, and relationship longevity (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 10:06–14:24). He also teaches physical oxytocin-releasing behaviors (scalp/arm/chest touch) as tools for calming avoidant partners (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 30:36–32:47).
Claim [synthesis]: Smith positions himself as correcting a gap in mainstream clinical practice around adult attachment theory, presenting his biochemical model as an update to standard attachment-style categories (raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession, 05:27).
[[avoidant-attachment]] · Avoidant Attachment [[anxious-attachment]] · Anxious Attachment [[oxytocin-bonding]] · Oxytocin Bonding
All quotations above are sourced from raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession at the timestamps indicated inline. The episode is Being Her episode 101, "Turn His Avoidance Into Obsession: Make Him Chase You & Bond for Good with Adam Lane Smith," hosted by Margarita Nazarenko with guest Adam Lane Smith (licensed marriage and family therapist).
type: entity title: Adam Lane Smith description: Licensed marriage and family therapist and avoidant-attachment specialist who frames avoidance as a biochemical survival state treatable through oxytocin-focused, transactional communication. tags: - psychology - dating - attachment - relationships created: 2026-07-23 updated: 2026-07-23 timestamp: '2026-07-23T00:00:00Z' sources: - raw/being-her-101-avoidance-into-obsession confidence: medium origin: ingest